Hello welcome to my website. This blog exsists for me to rant about whatever I feel like. I am sorry the website isn't great, but I have no HTML experience.
It been a while. I guess i'll just give a overview of everything thats happened since I last posted. I did pretty bad on the medical exam my first time and am planning to retake it in a month. I was just. very overwhelmed at the time and could not focus during the exam. I am planning to apply to medschools this summer. I am just hoping to get into a school that is far from my parents. Hopefully I will do better this time. In terms of transitioning, I finally committed to growing my hair longer. My parents got so upset with me when I didn't cut my hair. I also try to dress more feminine and I probably pass like half the time which is pretty decent. Last semester my aunt died and my grades ended up being pretty bad. I hope I can pull through this last month of classes and finish with a good GPA. I am also cramming for the med school exam. I have kinda picked up a bit of a nicotine addiction. I only smoke occasionally, but I have started kinda regularly vaping. I know it is bad, but I think its just the stress. I guess in terms of relaitonships nothing has really happened. Im over my friend tha I mentioned before. I have just been doing this]ngs kinda of casually. I guess I just don't want anything serious right now. I have had some casual flings and hookups. I guess my main goal right now is just to lock in and finish with good grades and a good medschool exam score before I apply to med school. I just want to leave my state and move away from my family. I guess thats it for now. I will try to update more often.
It has been a little bit since my first two posts. I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about. I guess I am just writing whenever I feel upset about something. Lately my mom has really been pissing me off. Shes been really getting on me to cut my hair, and it is really starting to bother me. She says to do it because I will volunteer at the hospital soon and I might meet some of the workers again once I am in med school. With that statement she is implying that I won't have long hair in the future. I feel like she really believes I am going to get better or something and stop being trans. I also learned recently that she went through my phone calls and message records through our carrier, and she went through my internet usgae and searches through our internet provider. I am a 20 year old. She is being so overbearing and obssessive. I also have realized that she really does not care about me as much as she says. She says shes telling me that im not trans in my interest; however, she really just cares a lot about appearances. Shes always the first to judge my physical appearance if I do something she thinks is too feminine. She always is begging me not to tell anyone I am trans including my closest friends. She doesn't want anyone to know because she worries they will spread it to everyone and people would start badmouthing her. I feel like she thinks that she knows so much more than me, but I realize she is just as clueless about life as me. When I hung out with my friend, she was begging us to hang out at our house so she can keep an eye on us. She got a snapchat account to stalk me. She yelled at me about my bitmoji having long hair even though I have long hair in real life. She is trying to follow and stalk me everywhere. She is so ashamed of me that she doesn't want me to do anything that would make me not seem normal. My dad has become a lot more compliant with my mom and just repeats everything my mom says and does. It always hurts me to think about how ashamed my parents are of me. They really wish I would have just turned out normal. I think that is a large thing holding me back from fully commiting to dressing feminine and socially transitioning more. I know it would make me happy to transition, but I am so afraid of doing something my parents won't like. I don't really have a good relationship with my parents, but they pay for my school and needs so I feel endebted to them. I always feel so guilty asking them for anything. I think this is holding me back from fully committing. It really makes me wish I was born normal so I could have turned out the way they wanted me to. Anyways, thats all for today. Thanks to those reading.
Hi everyone. Im back again for a second time today. I don't know I just felt like writing something again. do you ever spend a lot of time thinking about how your life would have changed if somehting had gone a little differently. I've been spending a lot of time recently thinking about how everyone's life would be different if I wasn't around. I feel like things would not have turned out too differently. I think people might even have ended up happier if I wasn't around. I feel like I don't contribute anything to others. My life feels like a meaningless waste. I have been studing for the enterance exam for medical school this summer. Today I got almost nothing done. I just layed in bed listening to music and doing absolutely nothing. I feel so guilty. I scheduled the exam for August, so I still have more time to study I guess. I did decent on my last practice exam, so I am not too worried. I feel like my motivation to do anything has disappeared. I usually spend my free time reading manga or playing videogames. Recently these things have lost all of thier enjoyment. It feels like a chore. I at least have been enjoying music recently. I am listening for 8 hours or more daily. Recently I have been into Jane Remover's albums from this year. In addition, I have been listening to Tomorrow X Together and a lot of Artic Monkeys. I think I use music to fill the void in my head and to vent my feelings.
I went to my first concert recently. It was a Jpegmafia concert, and I had a lot of fun going. I went with the friend I mentioned in my last entry. We went to the venue an hour and a half early and just talked and stuff before the concert. I stayed over at his house that night. He lives wiht his parents and goes to a different university from me. We never really meet except during breaks and summer. The next day he skipped his classes and we just hung out the entire day. It was straight up one of the most fun days I ever had. I have a tendency to overshare when I feel comfortable and I told him a buch of secrets and stuff I never told anyone else. My oversharing is really a problem because i think I tend to mkae people uncomfortable. I have trouble gauging how to react and what is allowed in conversations. When it comes to friends, I think I tend to get really attached and emotionally invested. I heard that this friend had a crush on someone and was thinking of asking them out a few months ago. I remember crying after hearing that. When I heard the girl rejected him, I felt kind of happy. Also I get weirdly jealous when they hangout with other people and get flirty whenever I see them. I think that is becuase I like him, but I also get really emotionally attached to my other friends too. I tend to want to monopolize my friends and always get super worried that they don't like me as much as I like them. I'm always afraid they'll abandon me or dislike me.
I think I tend to behave in a similar way in relationships. I'm always terrrified that they don't really like me and that they will leave me. I always think that I am disgusitng and not worthy of love and think that everyone is faking their affection. It was about a year and a half ago when I decided to transition. I kenw I was trans for a while, but I thought it would be easier to pretend everything was ok. I still have yet to be in a relationship after that point. At that point I came out to my boyfriend and we broke up. They were bisexual, but I found out they were quite transphobic. My previous boyfriend before that did not know if they liked men or not and decided to breakup with me after we had sex for the first time. I didn't date in highschool so this encompasses the entirety of my dating history. I only dated the guy who was questioning his sexuality because I felt like i missed out by not dating in highschool. I was in a rush to get in a relationship. My second boyfriend and I were acquaintances, but we didn't know eachother super well. Neither of my relationships lasted longer than a few months. Other than that I had a hookup one time about half a year ago. I met them at a party and we got along really well. They were nonbinary and I was really jealous of how androgynous they looked. We talked for hours about a bunch of random things, and I was open about the fact that I was trans with them. I went to their place, and it was the first time I stayed over at someone's place. I gave them my phone number, but they never contacted me after that night. I really liked them and was hoping to see them again. I often find myself questioning if we rally got along or if they just used me. I guess I don't really regret meeting them or hooking up. I think they are the one person who I felt really liked me. It was the only time I enjoyed having sex and didn't feel feel disgusting after. I guess I feel like I will never be in a good relationship. I just want to be with someone who likes me as much as I like them. I don't know when I will date again, but I hope eventually I find the right person. I've been feeling so lonely lately. I feel like everyone else is happy and im falling behind in life.
Anyways, thats all. I promise all of the posts won't be this sad. I have just been in a slump recently. Have a good day and thank you to those reading.
I created this blog today. I guess I will just give an overview about me for today. I am a 20 year old college student. I am studing chemical engineering, but I aim to go to medical school after I graduate. I am a trans woman and I am bisexual, but I am not out to many people and do not present as a woman publicly.
I guess that today I want to rant a little about hiding the fact im trans. My parents found out about a year ago when I started HRT. They were immediaitely very unspportive and wanted me to stop. I decided to pretend like I stopped but to continue HRT in secret. I have a lot of money saved up from working so I have no financial issues. My parents have straight up told me that they will never be supportive. My mom has fallen down the anti-trans alt-right pipeline. She thinks that I must have had a boyfriend or something who is forcing me to transition. She thinks that im the vicitm of some internet conspriacy and that I am unable to make the decision to transition from my own volition. She is always saying the brian isn't fully developed until 30 and that I will regret being trans. She always says that I have a lot of time to make a decision. She keeps bringing up this 70 year old at her job who transitioned. I was literally on the brink of killing myself before I started HRT, but I guess she will never understand. I always think that I should have started earlier. My dad, on the otherhand, said that he will never be supportive, but he at least accepts that I won't change my mind. My mom constantly brings up some story about trans people killing themselves or some info about HRT is super dangerous every time we are alone. It is really starting to piss me off. My dad at least pretends like nothing happened most the time. Ocassionally he'll bring up wanting kids or something and it gets awkward for a bit, but he is much easier to be around. My parents both think I only like men and do not know im bisexual. My mom acts supportive but her body language and words show me that she is disappointed. My dad straight up told me that i didn't like men. He said it was a result of me always hanging around men, but I have always had both girls and boys as friends. Later on he said he is fine with any sexuality I am as long as I give up being trans. I guess it says something that he will put up with me being with a man as long as i am not trans. It always pains me to think about how I will never have the support from my parents I really want.
I am living at home with my parents this summer while university is on break. I think that not socially transitioning and presenting as a woman is starting to kill me. I am so scared of disappointing my parents that I can't commit to anything. I had an experince about a year ago when I painted my nails and my mom made a big deal about me removing the nail polish. We were visitng my cousins and I was planning to remove the nail polish anyways before I went back to work. It really made me upset she made such a big deal about it. I feel like any little thing I do will be immediatley picked up by my parents and ridiculed. I am growing out my hair and parents constantly beg me to cut it. Every once in a while I cut it shorter just to please them and stop their ridicule. I am too scared to publicly present more feminine at university aswell. At university I am contstantly thinking evereyone is staring at me and making fun of me. I want to present like a woman, but the fear of my parents and how society would view me consumes me. I also have almost no support system because I have drifted apart form majority of my friends. This was due to coming out as trans to a few of them and a depressive period I had where I did not leave my apartment for a while. Also, taking a break from university to work for a year also caused a rift to form. I wish I could just suddenly gain the confidence and look the way I always wished.
I hate haivng a physical form. I feel like my anxiety has gotten worse. Everytime I walk around in public I feel like everyone is staring at me and laughing at me. I always feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I wish I could just exist without having a physical form. My body feels like a prison. Everytime I look at myself I feel like something is wrong. The changes from HRT have made me feel better, but I feel like I will never pass or look the way I want to. I think after my parents found out, I became a lot more negative. I find myself wishing I was never born. I can't make it a day without having some sort of suicidal thoughts. I just feel like such a loser and disappointment. I wish could live up to everyones expectations, but I guess thats never happening. I just feel so unloveable . Recently I came out as trans to my sister and one of my close friends. They are both supportive, but I have come to realize I will always be a man in their eyes. My sister will always see me as thier big brother no matter what I do. I kind of like my friend romantically, but they are straight and to them I will always be a man. They say that they are supportive, but I feel lilke they will never see me the way I want to be seen. It makes me feel like disgusting. I alwyas feel like a pervert or something whenever I have a crush on someone. All the relationships I have been in also have left me feeling like I am not enough.
Anyways, I guess that all for today. I honestly do not know how often or how long my posts will be. I guess we will see. I hope you all have a good day. Thank you to everyone reading.